In the silence of my own apartment late at night, or I guess in this case early morning, I find my thoughts wondering aimlessly with no guidance. Unfortunately this has lead to the conclusion that self reflection seems to be more exhausting than productive as I find myself consistently pondering the bigger questions and deeper meanings to multiple aspects of life.
As I watched people order drink after drink at work tonight I began to wonder, is life really that bad? Has life gotten so out of control that we want to forget our realities and escape to a happier place? And when the liquor no longer numbs our feelings, is the reality that we have to come home to that unbearable? Perhaps this is why alcohol is one of the most appealing of substances. It's addictive in its ways of allowing us an escape, even for a few short hours. One of my favorite quotes (by Luigi Pirandello) says "In bed my real love has always been the sleep that rescued me by allowing me to dream." Has our reality gotten so bad, so unbearable, so painful that it's the sweet dream in the night that becomes the anecdote? Have our realities gotten so bad that we now look for outlets and escapes? And if so, then what is the cure? How is it fixed?
It seems that the things we don't want come so easily to us, whether it be bills, an ex, health problems, and other hardships. It's the things we want most that seem to sit just beyond our grasp at the edge of our fingertips. Teasing and taunting us. As if to say, "I know you want me and I am here, but you can't have me unless you reach that much further." And what do we do but reach? Yet there they sit, in sight but out of touch. It consumes us and drives us to want more and be better.
It's a painful feeling to be alone. It's painful to sleep in a bed that is shared with none. The couch is more appealing on nights like tonight (not to mention it saves the trouble of making the bed in the morning). The morning light would be the first to let me know the day has started as it shines directly through the window with the one apparent goal of burning through my sleepy eyelids. Reluctantly, slowly, and lazily I'll pull myself off the couch and into the hot shower. Good friends seem so scarce these days.
Why is it that we all seem to long for that special companionship? What is it about it that we seem to need it desperately and will do anything for it? Relationships. The next word that comes is "complicated." We get so caught up trying to be that perfect person for the guy or girl we want most that we forget to be ourselves. Then we wonder what we do wrong in those relationships to make them not work out. Feeling unwanted is like feeling a cheese grater on your heart. A heart. There's a billion thoughts all in five letters.
Hearts are funny things. They don't listen for one. They lead you right where you don't want to go or where you know you shouldn't go. They definately are the most wreckless of organs and probably the most often broken or hurt. Yet of all the medical technology there doesn't seem to be a great cure for the hurt or broken heart. No prescription, no vaccine. However, when given the chance, a heart can free everything about you and is the most precious of gifts one can give. It's getting the heart and brain to work together that is the greatest of challenges.
I think I'll sleep in my bed tonight and hope that my dreams can take me to a place where I am free of all worry and pain. I will hope that, although I do love sunrises, the sun will allow me to sleep just a bit longer and give me just a few extra moments free from my reality. Am I that unhappy in my reality? Not really. I am actually a very content person. I just have fantastic dreams and until my reality can out-do my dreams I would rather dream tonight. Another great quote - "You know you're in love when you can't sleep at night because your reality is finally better than your dreams." (Dr. Suess).
Each person on the earth has great capabilites to do great things. It is a choice how we lead our lives and what reality we form for ourselves. We may be pushed or bumped in certain directions, but everything is still ultimately a choice made by every one of us as individuals. Our lives intertwine in countless ways daily. If every person realized the power and potential they have as an individual, the world would be in grave danger of being a much better place and people would be in danger of being in love with their realities. If this ever happened then perhaps we would no longer need dreams.
