Beautiful Canvas

June 29, 1987 at 7:49 in the morning I said hello to my world for the first time. My life started out as a blank canvas, innocent and white. It was up to me then, and is still up to me now, as to what I put on that canvas, the colors I choose, the things I paint, and the decisions I make. My canvas is my history, my story, my thoughts, feelings, heartaches, attitudes, and mistakes. And it is beautiful.

When you see me on the street, you see a fun, down to earth girl who tries hard to be successful in everything she does. You see a smile on a pretty face, and you hear a laugh, and perhaps even a sarcastic remark or two. If you check my bank account, you’ll see that I have less than a hundred dollars to my name, but all my bills are on time. My college transcripts will show you that I have a 3.1 GPA with over 150 college credits and that I am only one semester away from graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. My resume will show you an excellent work history in almost all aspects of the restaurant business. Do a background check and you will see my credit score isn’t the greatest, but is in good standing, that I once owned a house, once had a husband, have had five speeding tickets, and was recently in a car accident. However, if you went beneath the surface and really dug down to who I am behind the make-up, you will know that I have a passion for writing, love the outdoors, and have a really great fly fishing story. You’ll see the way my eyes light up at the thought of having Mexican food for dinner or my nose crinkle at the smell of seafood. When you get really deep, you’ll find out just how much the verbal and emotional damage from my ex-husband crushed all self-esteem and confidence from my heart, and how hard I’ve worked and just how far I’ve come to regain it back along with my independence. You would know that my family means the world to me and one of the most influential people in my life is my brother. You would see how much I miss my step-dad who is currently serving in Iraq, and how proud I am of my father for coming out of the closet and being honest about his relationship with his partner of 18 years. You’ll learn my mother is my greatest confidant and most true of friends. Most of all, when you dig deep into who I am you’ll see an ever grateful heart. Grateful to now be with a man I consider my best friend and soul mate. Grateful I have the ability to work two jobs and go to school. Grateful for the love and support of many people in my life. But most of all, grateful for the experiences of my past, both good and bad, as they have molded and shaped me into the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t be me. I’d be another version of me, and perhaps a not so strong version of me. So I am who I am, and with that I am very excited to see how the rest of my life plays out.

I am only given one life to live, and as crazy as it seems, every day I am one day closer to death. I am a person who has decided not to waste my time or energy on the things that do not matter, but instead spend my time gaining experiences, learning, staying positive and spending time with the people I love. I do not want to review the previous years of my life and think to myself, “Well, I worked a lot.” Instead, I want to think, “Wow! I went skydiving and snowboarding in the same day! I climbed Mount Borah and camped in the rain. I took a full semester of classes while working two jobs. I rode my bike to work and looked at the moon through a telescope. I went to concerts, festivals, and fairs. I am one lucky girl.” I want to look over my shoulder at my life and see a beautiful canvas with bright colors and not a single space left untouched by a paintbrush. It will be a history of me and my story. It will be beautiful.

New Year, New Day, New Life

Looking back on 2009 I have realized that this was a year of tremendous growth for me. There were many things I learned that experience threw at me without any regard to the emotions that came along with it and I am so grateful.

I have finished up my mental health rotation at the Colorado State Mental Health Institute and I will admit I was a little sad to leave my patients. The semester went as smoothly as I could have hoped for and I ended up with an A on my 27 page final paper. Shortly after the semester ended I packed my apartment, bid my friends goodbye, and left for Boise to start a whole new chapter of my life.

I will admit leaving Colorado was one of the hardest things I have done in my life, but I do realize that it is for the better. I had a great job, great apartment, and had great friends and people in my life. However, I realized that my time in Colorado did need to come to end for a period of time. I do have hopes of going back someday as it is an absolutely gorgeous state and I miss it.

Being in Idaho once again has made me realize how much I had taken for granted before I moved. I never realized that I was living next to beautiful mountains and foothills in the 15 years of growing up here, nor did I realize how beautiful and unique downtown Boise really is. Most of all, I have realized the importance of having family right by your side. This newfound appreciation has brought greater meaning to my life.

But, like I said, 2009 did bring tremendous growth for me as a person. I feel as though I spent the year getting acquainted with myself. When I think of my life, I imagine a big blank canvas and I have every color of paint in imaginable in front of me and a brush in my hand. It is completely up to me where I put the colors and what colors I choose to paint. As I thought about this, I have decided that I don't want a boring canvas with the traditional reds, greens, and blues. Instead, I would much rather prefer to fill it with beautiful magentas, teals, copper yellows, and brilliant greens. I want to be able to look over my shoulder at my life, smile, and think to myself, "yea...I did that."

I guess it is safe to say that lately I have come to realization of how much we seem to take our lives for granted. I sleep in a warm bed everynight, and every morning I awake to the same routine and begin my day without a second thought. However, who is to say I don't end up in a car accident? Have a heart attack? A stroke? Or any other crazy ways in which would cause my soul to leave the earth? It's a fairly morbid thought, but a thought nonetheless that we are never promised tomorrow. We are never promised more than the moment we are in. Therefore, why would we not make the most of every little moment that we can? Why would we waste time feeling angry, regretful and hateful?

It is my goal to fill this next year with nothing but adventure after adventure, because life is too short to not have it filled with excitement. Too often do we hide behind our excuses of not having enough money, not having enough time, or no one to go with. I am taking out the excuses in my life. I will work hard and play even harder because I have no excuse for not living my life to the very fullest I possibly can. There are few people in this world who have an excuse. I think if you have your health, a full stomach and a shirt on your back you are one of the lucky people on this earth, so take advantage of it. Dance in the rain, breathe at stop light, forget the snooze button, and take chances by throwing your whole heart into life. Live with no excuses, and love with no regrets.