Beautiful Canvas

June 29, 1987 at 7:49 in the morning I said hello to my world for the first time. My life started out as a blank canvas, innocent and white. It was up to me then, and is still up to me now, as to what I put on that canvas, the colors I choose, the things I paint, and the decisions I make. My canvas is my history, my story, my thoughts, feelings, heartaches, attitudes, and mistakes. And it is beautiful.

When you see me on the street, you see a fun, down to earth girl who tries hard to be successful in everything she does. You see a smile on a pretty face, and you hear a laugh, and perhaps even a sarcastic remark or two. If you check my bank account, you’ll see that I have less than a hundred dollars to my name, but all my bills are on time. My college transcripts will show you that I have a 3.1 GPA with over 150 college credits and that I am only one semester away from graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. My resume will show you an excellent work history in almost all aspects of the restaurant business. Do a background check and you will see my credit score isn’t the greatest, but is in good standing, that I once owned a house, once had a husband, have had five speeding tickets, and was recently in a car accident. However, if you went beneath the surface and really dug down to who I am behind the make-up, you will know that I have a passion for writing, love the outdoors, and have a really great fly fishing story. You’ll see the way my eyes light up at the thought of having Mexican food for dinner or my nose crinkle at the smell of seafood. When you get really deep, you’ll find out just how much the verbal and emotional damage from my ex-husband crushed all self-esteem and confidence from my heart, and how hard I’ve worked and just how far I’ve come to regain it back along with my independence. You would know that my family means the world to me and one of the most influential people in my life is my brother. You would see how much I miss my step-dad who is currently serving in Iraq, and how proud I am of my father for coming out of the closet and being honest about his relationship with his partner of 18 years. You’ll learn my mother is my greatest confidant and most true of friends. Most of all, when you dig deep into who I am you’ll see an ever grateful heart. Grateful to now be with a man I consider my best friend and soul mate. Grateful I have the ability to work two jobs and go to school. Grateful for the love and support of many people in my life. But most of all, grateful for the experiences of my past, both good and bad, as they have molded and shaped me into the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t be me. I’d be another version of me, and perhaps a not so strong version of me. So I am who I am, and with that I am very excited to see how the rest of my life plays out.

I am only given one life to live, and as crazy as it seems, every day I am one day closer to death. I am a person who has decided not to waste my time or energy on the things that do not matter, but instead spend my time gaining experiences, learning, staying positive and spending time with the people I love. I do not want to review the previous years of my life and think to myself, “Well, I worked a lot.” Instead, I want to think, “Wow! I went skydiving and snowboarding in the same day! I climbed Mount Borah and camped in the rain. I took a full semester of classes while working two jobs. I rode my bike to work and looked at the moon through a telescope. I went to concerts, festivals, and fairs. I am one lucky girl.” I want to look over my shoulder at my life and see a beautiful canvas with bright colors and not a single space left untouched by a paintbrush. It will be a history of me and my story. It will be beautiful.