Beautiful Canvas

June 29, 1987 at 7:49 in the morning I said hello to my world for the first time. My life started out as a blank canvas, innocent and white. It was up to me then, and is still up to me now, as to what I put on that canvas, the colors I choose, the things I paint, and the decisions I make. My canvas is my history, my story, my thoughts, feelings, heartaches, attitudes, and mistakes. And it is beautiful.

When you see me on the street, you see a fun, down to earth girl who tries hard to be successful in everything she does. You see a smile on a pretty face, and you hear a laugh, and perhaps even a sarcastic remark or two. If you check my bank account, you’ll see that I have less than a hundred dollars to my name, but all my bills are on time. My college transcripts will show you that I have a 3.1 GPA with over 150 college credits and that I am only one semester away from graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. My resume will show you an excellent work history in almost all aspects of the restaurant business. Do a background check and you will see my credit score isn’t the greatest, but is in good standing, that I once owned a house, once had a husband, have had five speeding tickets, and was recently in a car accident. However, if you went beneath the surface and really dug down to who I am behind the make-up, you will know that I have a passion for writing, love the outdoors, and have a really great fly fishing story. You’ll see the way my eyes light up at the thought of having Mexican food for dinner or my nose crinkle at the smell of seafood. When you get really deep, you’ll find out just how much the verbal and emotional damage from my ex-husband crushed all self-esteem and confidence from my heart, and how hard I’ve worked and just how far I’ve come to regain it back along with my independence. You would know that my family means the world to me and one of the most influential people in my life is my brother. You would see how much I miss my step-dad who is currently serving in Iraq, and how proud I am of my father for coming out of the closet and being honest about his relationship with his partner of 18 years. You’ll learn my mother is my greatest confidant and most true of friends. Most of all, when you dig deep into who I am you’ll see an ever grateful heart. Grateful to now be with a man I consider my best friend and soul mate. Grateful I have the ability to work two jobs and go to school. Grateful for the love and support of many people in my life. But most of all, grateful for the experiences of my past, both good and bad, as they have molded and shaped me into the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn’t be me. I’d be another version of me, and perhaps a not so strong version of me. So I am who I am, and with that I am very excited to see how the rest of my life plays out.

I am only given one life to live, and as crazy as it seems, every day I am one day closer to death. I am a person who has decided not to waste my time or energy on the things that do not matter, but instead spend my time gaining experiences, learning, staying positive and spending time with the people I love. I do not want to review the previous years of my life and think to myself, “Well, I worked a lot.” Instead, I want to think, “Wow! I went skydiving and snowboarding in the same day! I climbed Mount Borah and camped in the rain. I took a full semester of classes while working two jobs. I rode my bike to work and looked at the moon through a telescope. I went to concerts, festivals, and fairs. I am one lucky girl.” I want to look over my shoulder at my life and see a beautiful canvas with bright colors and not a single space left untouched by a paintbrush. It will be a history of me and my story. It will be beautiful.

New Year, New Day, New Life

Looking back on 2009 I have realized that this was a year of tremendous growth for me. There were many things I learned that experience threw at me without any regard to the emotions that came along with it and I am so grateful.

I have finished up my mental health rotation at the Colorado State Mental Health Institute and I will admit I was a little sad to leave my patients. The semester went as smoothly as I could have hoped for and I ended up with an A on my 27 page final paper. Shortly after the semester ended I packed my apartment, bid my friends goodbye, and left for Boise to start a whole new chapter of my life.

I will admit leaving Colorado was one of the hardest things I have done in my life, but I do realize that it is for the better. I had a great job, great apartment, and had great friends and people in my life. However, I realized that my time in Colorado did need to come to end for a period of time. I do have hopes of going back someday as it is an absolutely gorgeous state and I miss it.

Being in Idaho once again has made me realize how much I had taken for granted before I moved. I never realized that I was living next to beautiful mountains and foothills in the 15 years of growing up here, nor did I realize how beautiful and unique downtown Boise really is. Most of all, I have realized the importance of having family right by your side. This newfound appreciation has brought greater meaning to my life.

But, like I said, 2009 did bring tremendous growth for me as a person. I feel as though I spent the year getting acquainted with myself. When I think of my life, I imagine a big blank canvas and I have every color of paint in imaginable in front of me and a brush in my hand. It is completely up to me where I put the colors and what colors I choose to paint. As I thought about this, I have decided that I don't want a boring canvas with the traditional reds, greens, and blues. Instead, I would much rather prefer to fill it with beautiful magentas, teals, copper yellows, and brilliant greens. I want to be able to look over my shoulder at my life, smile, and think to myself, "yea...I did that."

I guess it is safe to say that lately I have come to realization of how much we seem to take our lives for granted. I sleep in a warm bed everynight, and every morning I awake to the same routine and begin my day without a second thought. However, who is to say I don't end up in a car accident? Have a heart attack? A stroke? Or any other crazy ways in which would cause my soul to leave the earth? It's a fairly morbid thought, but a thought nonetheless that we are never promised tomorrow. We are never promised more than the moment we are in. Therefore, why would we not make the most of every little moment that we can? Why would we waste time feeling angry, regretful and hateful?

It is my goal to fill this next year with nothing but adventure after adventure, because life is too short to not have it filled with excitement. Too often do we hide behind our excuses of not having enough money, not having enough time, or no one to go with. I am taking out the excuses in my life. I will work hard and play even harder because I have no excuse for not living my life to the very fullest I possibly can. There are few people in this world who have an excuse. I think if you have your health, a full stomach and a shirt on your back you are one of the lucky people on this earth, so take advantage of it. Dance in the rain, breathe at stop light, forget the snooze button, and take chances by throwing your whole heart into life. Live with no excuses, and love with no regrets.

Tunnels

Judging from the aerial view of Colorado State's Mental Health Hospital you would never guess there was a 3.9 mile tunnel system running below it. Yet, as I found myself carefully stepping down stairs that were clearly very worn, I could feel the claustrophobia creep up my neck. Contrary to expectations, the tunnel I stepped into was very warm. The day outside had quite a bite to it's chill, but below the surface I felt I didn't even need my jacket. The tunnel was well lit and cemented. Cement floors, walls, and ceilings with a rail running along with lights periodically hanging from it. On either side of the wall there were several wooden doors that were padlocked. These doors were smaller than the normal sided doors and had rows of holes drilled into them. Curiosity got the best of me and I worked up the courage to peer through one of the holes in one of the doors.

A faint glimmer of light spilling in from the top of whatever was behind the door revealed a closet sized room with dirt walls. Why would there be so many similar little rooms like this. Of course, my instructor claimed the rooms were for storage, but seeing as how the tunnel system was built in 1934, I can't imagine the thought process behind building so many little rooms resembling a coat closet for the simple purpose of storage.

Being in the tunnels definitely did not have a comfortable feeling as I walked the long corridor that seemed to have no end. Some deep instinct let me know that if the walls could talk they would have quite a story to tell, including one of an escaped patient who survived a month in the tunnels by stealing food off the food cart that traveled by. Could you imagine the terror of the employee who found a psychiatric patient deep in the tunnels?

Above, the buildings show no evidence of the tunnels, as every entrance to the tunnels are within each building. As I ponder the thought of those now revealed tunnels, I wonder, how many of us have secret tunnels hidden below our surface? What secret thoughts and undisclosed desires do we have as individuals? In a way, we are like the hospital. On surface we show what we want people to see. We hide our fears, our pains, and our worries. We may even hide what makes us truly happy for fear of losing it. We put on make-up, hide our wrinkles, dye our hair, but when all that is stripped away from us and our soul is revealed are we really ok with who we are? And an even more important question, are those who claim to love us really ok with our naked selves?

This past year has flown by so quickly and now as I begin to feel the chill of fall and the threat of winter, I take some time to reflect on those who matter most me. Those who are ok with my tunnels. Some know the tunnels are there and want to walk through, yet I seem to lack the strength to turn the key to unlock the entrance. Others have free roam of the tunnels, and even more still know they are there but simply lack the interest of walking through them. It is when I have been walking through fire that I turn around in the furnace to see only my truest of friends there right behind me walking through the same fire. It is these people who stand in the center-most point in my heart. It is these people who at the end of the day, when my make-up is washed off and my bandages are removed, that can see my wounds and not shrink or shutter. It is these people who are worth my tears as they splatter across the pillowcase. It is these people that I draw my strength from and sadly they are only an extremely select few.

I am ok with my tunnel system and I am ok with my buildings above. Although they may need renovation from time to time, they are a signature of me. As time goes on, I watch people come and go in my life. Some come for a brief moment and leave quickly, others stay a while then eventually venture astray, while others still linger for a while and share experiences with me. It is the latter type of people that I strive to be and that mean the most. It is that type of person who has the tunnels already memorized.

Snake Bites

I sat alone in my apartment this Friday evening. I had mixed feelings as I felt my free night from work was wasted to apartment cleaning and movies alone on the couch. Yet this night in solitude also allowed me to relax and think about being single, relationships, and how interesting it all is to me.

It seems to me that a relationship with a significant other is the most complicated, frustrating thing on the face of the planet we all walk on. It causes the most and deepest pains imaginable, but yet provides the most happiness. It's completely ambiguous. I do have to say that I am well acquainted with loneliness. I think it is funny that I know loneliness so well. It would be a lie to say that I don't get offers to dinner, to movies, for long walks, or drinks. Yet I find myself alone on a Friday night. My heart must be very fickle.

I know when I fall, I fall hard. It's a rare thing for someone to get past all my safeguards and lower the walls around my heart. It's rare that I allow this to happen because when I do, I usually scrape my knees and the palms of my hands on the sidewalk. It usually takes me a while to get back up, and when I do I am ready for the world again, only to find myself tripping and finding those familiar scabs. The crazy part of relationships is that it doesn't matter what I want. Yes, that's what I wrote. It does not matter what I want. If the other person doesn't want to be in the relationship then they won't be in it, and there I am as helpless as can be. There I am on the sidewalk inspecting my wounds looking for the person who was supposed to catch me as I fell. I think I could describe it as seeing the fireplace but being unable to feel it's warmth, or reaching into the darkness to feel nothing but air.

But like I said, love is ambiguous. When found, it's a natural high. It's being oblivious to the world around me because I am lost in that person's eyes. It's giving my heart away carelessly because in that moment I feel invincible and immune to all pain. When love leaves, I can usually feel the icy ghost of it caress my cheek in the dead of night reminding me of the warmth that was once there. I find myself so paralyzed by it like a snake bite, when all I can do is helplessly take one breath at a time and pray that my heart doesn't stop beating. That's how love is. I can be warned. I can be cautious. I can prepare myself all I want. When the snake strikes it's quick and unexpected in spite of all previous experience. And once bitten, there is nothing I can do is hope my heart doesn't stop.

"The worst things in life are to try to please and please not; to be in bed and sleep not; and to want for one who comes not." I'm not sure who wrote this, but I find it very true for I have experienced all three. The only anecdote I have found is breathing. Breathing is like time. As long as you are breathing time is moving. They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Like the integrity of the skin, once the skin has been broken by a cut, laceration, or scrape...scar or no scar the integrity of the skin is never the same. The same is true of our relationships. No matter what we do, we are never the same once someone has placed footprints in our life. Whether they have walked miles or only a few steps we are affected and changed by them regardless of whether or not we want them to change us.

To be in love and be loved is the most perfect feeling in the world, and when taken away is the most heart-wrenching. However, without feeling the heartache we would never feel the warmth of love for there must be opposition in all things. It would be so nice to just feel the sweet love of another, however after being so acquainted with loneliness I know that I will never take the love in my life for granted. I know too well the pain of watching someone's back as they walk away and the distance between us increased. I have felt the hot tears stream down my cheek and I have faced several lonely nights. I have awaken in the night to a sinking feeling of coming to the reality that my dream was not real. I have felt my heart ripped clean from my chest and been driven to my knees countless times. It never gets easier, and each time seems to require a longer healing process. I look at the green grass of my neighbor's lawn and think to myself that the grass truly is greener on the other side. I feel all the water and lawn fertilizer in the world could not give me a lawn as beautiful as theirs, however I also know that this is foolish thinking. The key is being satisfied with my own lawn.

Innocence

As the semester is now in full swing, my days are becoming less and less bearable and I seem to be Ms. Cranky Pants as I drive down I-25 towards Pueblo, Colorado and the Colorado Mental Health Hospital. It is my first clinical day and I have no idea what to expect. The day started off with a bang as we quickly went to our locations and were split into groups to our separate units.

The hospital looked nothing like what I had expected. In my mind I had visions of people crawling on all fours down long brick corridors chanting some ancient voodoo and thinking that these were the people I was going to have a conversation with. To my surprise the exact opposite was true. The hospital is about 3 football fields long, and beautifully designed with a lot of natural light and windows. Once in our unit, my fellow nursing student and I stuck closely together as our nerves were ready to burst at any moment. Apparently she had the same visions I had while driving today.

Gratefully, there weren't many patients in the common area today, however as time wore on more and more began emerging from their separate rooms. Today, my partner and I, were going to accompany a small group of patients to a group therapy session to help their cognitive skills. I thought this was going to be interesting as I didn't know what to expect.

We followed the group into a smaller room down the hall in which four tables were set up. The hospital techs quickly pulled out model airplanes colored pencils and paint by numbers for the patients who had obviously had been previously working on these. The patient who sat across from me had a color page.

Now, in accordance with HIPPA, I can't disclose anything about the nature of our conversation nor the reason they were present in the hospital, however, it was amazing to me to see this individual and their innocence in coloring the picture. They truly thought they were doing a work of art. In my head, I was thinking "Uh...you realize that you are supposed to stay in the lines?" and "It really doesn't matter what color the damn flower is so just pick a color!!" But I know that in my busy schedule I often don't take time to appreciate all the little things in my life.

I do take a lot of things in my life for granted and that it is so very easy to get caught up in my selfish ways. As I take a step back and take a look at my life I realize that I have a huge ego and most often live life for me. Maybe if I take a little time to slow down and really look at things I can appreciate the little things better. It does matter what color that flower is and maybe going outside the lines isn't the disaster we always make it out to be. The pride that began to beam from this patient's face when I complimented their coloring radiated throughout the room. I saw a completely innocent side to someone who had committed crimes that landed them in the very position that they were in. I do think that we have a little childish innocence in us, and no matter where our lives lead us, whether by choice or not, we shouldn't loose it.

I'll still be dancing...

As I watch the number increase as the bookstore clerk continues to ring up the necessary texts for this semesters classes, I wonder if the Mental Health class I am enrolled in will reveal the necessary mental health needed to maintain my current course towards obtaining a nursing degree. It definitely isn't motivating to know will be paying over $500 for books this semester. However, as the syllabus' stack up and the increasing obligation of school work rises, I attempt to see the good things in my life. It's not easy to be in a grateful mood as the bookstore clerk swiped my credit card, however upon signing the receipt I didn't hesitate to put the bookstore pen in my purse. I just gave them this months rent, I think they can afford to loose a pen. How's that for being grateful?

This weekend I will be in San Diego. I can hardly contain my excitement and stay focused on the required chapter readings this week, and am even less concentrated while serving drinks at work. It seems that although I do know there is a long road ahead of me for the time being in several aspects, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. My only hope is that that light is not an oncoming train to turn my world upside down again. Regardless, the sun is shining.

These last few weeks were a whirlwind of several emotions. Hell, stress, obliviously happy, comforted, hopelessness, and motivated are just a few to name. Exhaustion took it's toll for a while, in which I developed a pretty bad cold and stayed home from classes for two days this week (skipping class and it's only the second week of school). Now feeling refreshed and ready to conquer most of the world, I come to realize that trials really do last only for a moment or so.

It's our trials in life that make us who we are. As always, a quote that I try to keep on the forefront of my mind when I come across trails is, "A strand of spider's web is as strong as the mightiest cable if there is no wind." At least it is something similar to that. An even better one, "A kite flies against the wind, not with it." Therefore, in our adversities, we are molded. We are tested. We are refined. It is in our darkest hour that we are pushed the hardest and driven to the very edge of sanity, and if we survive we are all the better for it. We can look back in hindsight and say, "look at what I have achieved." I will not lie though, it is much easier said than done while in the moment of adversity and while in that moment, if you're anything like me, you don't want to hear that your trial will be for but a moment.

I wrote a poem a while back about the trials in life. I wrote it with the vision of a young person dancing in the rain when everything else around her was crashing down. Her life, her school, her job, her friends, her family, none of it mattered as this particular moment. The only thing that mattered to her was dancing. She was happy because she was dancing regardless of the rest. I often think of it through my hard times. I just remember to dance through it all. I hope you enjoy.

I'll still be dancing when the sun goes down,

I'll still be dancing when all my friends are gone,

I'll be dancing the day it rains,

I'll be dancing when life's all wrong.

I'll still be dancing the day my heart breaks,

I'll still be dancing when my lonely tears fall,

I'll be dancing although betrayed,

I'll be dancing through it all.

As I must get back to my books now, and prepare for my short vacation to San Diego, California I will keep that image of the girl dancing in middle of the street in a thunderstorm when nothing else in her life matters. I am sure I will write another blog and include pictures of San Diego when I return, until then, dance.

Late Night Musing

In the silence of my own apartment late at night, or I guess in this case early morning, I find my thoughts wondering aimlessly with no guidance. Unfortunately this has lead to the conclusion that self reflection seems to be more exhausting than productive as I find myself consistently pondering the bigger questions and deeper meanings to multiple aspects of life.

As I watched people order drink after drink at work tonight I began to wonder, is life really that bad? Has life gotten so out of control that we want to forget our realities and escape to a happier place? And when the liquor no longer numbs our feelings, is the reality that we have to come home to that unbearable? Perhaps this is why alcohol is one of the most appealing of substances. It's addictive in its ways of allowing us an escape, even for a few short hours. One of my favorite quotes (by Luigi Pirandello) says "In bed my real love has always been the sleep that rescued me by allowing me to dream." Has our reality gotten so bad, so unbearable, so painful that it's the sweet dream in the night that becomes the anecdote? Have our realities gotten so bad that we now look for outlets and escapes? And if so, then what is the cure? How is it fixed?

It seems that the things we don't want come so easily to us, whether it be bills, an ex, health problems, and other hardships. It's the things we want most that seem to sit just beyond our grasp at the edge of our fingertips. Teasing and taunting us. As if to say, "I know you want me and I am here, but you can't have me unless you reach that much further." And what do we do but reach? Yet there they sit, in sight but out of touch. It consumes us and drives us to want more and be better.

It's a painful feeling to be alone. It's painful to sleep in a bed that is shared with none. The couch is more appealing on nights like tonight (not to mention it saves the trouble of making the bed in the morning). The morning light would be the first to let me know the day has started as it shines directly through the window with the one apparent goal of burning through my sleepy eyelids. Reluctantly, slowly, and lazily I'll pull myself off the couch and into the hot shower. Good friends seem so scarce these days.

Why is it that we all seem to long for that special companionship? What is it about it that we seem to need it desperately and will do anything for it? Relationships. The next word that comes is "complicated." We get so caught up trying to be that perfect person for the guy or girl we want most that we forget to be ourselves. Then we wonder what we do wrong in those relationships to make them not work out. Feeling unwanted is like feeling a cheese grater on your heart. A heart. There's a billion thoughts all in five letters.

Hearts are funny things. They don't listen for one. They lead you right where you don't want to go or where you know you shouldn't go. They definately are the most wreckless of organs and probably the most often broken or hurt. Yet of all the medical technology there doesn't seem to be a great cure for the hurt or broken heart. No prescription, no vaccine. However, when given the chance, a heart can free everything about you and is the most precious of gifts one can give. It's getting the heart and brain to work together that is the greatest of challenges.

I think I'll sleep in my bed tonight and hope that my dreams can take me to a place where I am free of all worry and pain. I will hope that, although I do love sunrises, the sun will allow me to sleep just a bit longer and give me just a few extra moments free from my reality. Am I that unhappy in my reality? Not really. I am actually a very content person. I just have fantastic dreams and until my reality can out-do my dreams I would rather dream tonight. Another great quote - "You know you're in love when you can't sleep at night because your reality is finally better than your dreams." (Dr. Suess).

Each person on the earth has great capabilites to do great things. It is a choice how we lead our lives and what reality we form for ourselves. We may be pushed or bumped in certain directions, but everything is still ultimately a choice made by every one of us as individuals. Our lives intertwine in countless ways daily. If every person realized the power and potential they have as an individual, the world would be in grave danger of being a much better place and people would be in danger of being in love with their realities. If this ever happened then perhaps we would no longer need dreams.